Blog post

Hey there, I'm back.  The past two days have been rough. Allow me to describe what's going on.  To start, our finances are in a hole, bills are piling up, creditors lining up to sue my ass, and even the rent is due shortly. I feel a heavy blanket of deep depression descending on me. The isolation is killing me. Having no money and no mobility is brutal. Not to mention there's a wall of resentment building between me and the wife. Over money, of course. Her concern is completely justified, and I have a few applications out, but now is the time for me to knuckle up, and either nail down another remote position, or wait for my current employer to start my training in March. It's all up in the air, and a pile of crap at the same time.

In a way, I can understand why my employer of four years is dragging its feet. Over the past four years of being a raging drunk, I caused havoc at work. I would work drunk, give my team leads and immediate management headaches, my sales performance was terrible, and my attitude sucked. So now, I'm sober and looking for a second chance, but I believe they want me to quit. I think the only reason I haven't been canned already, is because they're forced to keep my position due to provisions in federal law that protect people like me from retaliation for issues related to alcoholism. I did ask and was granted a leave of absence under the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA). So, even if I'm regarded as a screw-up, and a risk by my supervisors, they are forced to keep my position open. I feel like a pariah and a piece of crap over all this. Who knows what other tactics my company has in store to stall me next?

So, I must press ahead with Plan B and get more applications in. Honestly, it's a risk for me to be posting my personal troubles, but my hope is someone out there might read this and relate to what I'm saying. Personal accountability for me is real and sucks big time, but I know it must be this way. All this guilt and shame I've been feeling hurts. Maybe I can catch an online meeting; there are plenty of those.

Aside from this, I'm trying to be productive. I've been busy painting the walls by the staircase landing. The people who lived here before us were absolute pigs. There are dirty handprints smeared all along the walls and looks like they spat on the walls too! It's a disgusting mess. I decided to hand mop the walls and wipe down the trim to prep for painting. I was going to get to it today, but the few winter daylight hours are fading fast. I still might work on it some later this evening.

On a brighter note, I've been cooking more than I've ever had in my adult life. At least the wife likes that. My sister has been a huge help. Because of her, we have food in the house, her unwanted Christmas plates (lol), and her awesome used cookware. I even got a wok, which I tried for the first time today. I love that thing. Woks rock. My sister has my back, and I feel I don't deserve it considering how many problems I created for her and her husband when my ass showed up in Cedar Rapids.

So, that's it for now, my fellow mis-fits. Hang in there, I know I am. Life throws its punches, but we can roll with them. I hope you all have a good evening, stay sober and clean no matter what circumstances. I'm doing it one day at a time. It gets better so they say, and I hope they are right..

Cya later, Love, Gabriel O.